I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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