I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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