I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
