i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
