I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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