4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
