remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
