it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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