It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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