I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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