just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
