Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
