I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
