What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
