dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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