That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
