Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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