So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
