I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
