Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
