Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
