Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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