Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
