apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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