The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
