Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
