you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
