I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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