She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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