M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
