mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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