He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
