Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
