i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
