dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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