Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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