How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
