Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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