party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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