i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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