i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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