The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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