All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
