Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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