I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
