I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
