He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
