At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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