I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Randomize
