omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
