You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
