Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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