i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
