i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
