My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
