I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
