it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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