I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
