I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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